Enough is enough.
Hello, world. My name is Stephen, and I'm here to ruin your favorite childhood film, Beauty and the Beast.
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Now don't get me wrong. I freaking LOVE this movie. It's a classic! But I recently re-watched it as an adult, and I have some bad news for you...
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Every single character is a massive fucking asshole. They're all a bunch of dicks! Let's break it down:
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We'll start with Belle. Yes, she's an asshole!
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Belle CLAIMS she wants more than this ~provincial life~ — and then becomes a princess in a big empty castle in the middle of nowhere. She sold out all her values for a man!
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Next up: the Beast. He's an asshole!
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As a prince, he was selfish and vain. He and all his friends are put under a curse LITERALLY because of how terrible he is.
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So what does he do to reverse that curse? He abducts a woman and holds her hostage until she falls in love with him. Fucked up!
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And then we have the enchanted objects — Lumière, Cogsworth, Mrs. Potts — and yes, even Chip. They're all assholes, too.
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If they REALLY gave a fuck about Belle, they would let her escape. Instead, they trick an innocent woman into falling in love with a monster-man, so they can be freed from a curse. Do these people have no moral compass?
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Next up is Maurice. Yup, asshole!
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Maurice started this whole mess by trespassing on private property. That's breaking and entering, dude!
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And finally, we have the villains. Needless to say, they're all assholes. Gaston is a sexist pig, Le Fou is complicit as well, yada yada. This one's obvious.
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Listen, I love Beauty and the Beast as much as the next guy. But every single character in this film needs to take a long, hard look in that magic mirror. THEY'RE ALL ASSHOLES.
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Except for the stepstool-dog. He's cool. He can stay.
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